


The Once and Future Dave

by Neigedens



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, M/M, Self-cest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-14
Updated: 2013-06-14
Packaged: 2017-12-14 23:58:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/842917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neigedens/pseuds/Neigedens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I need a new cape, bro. That shit doesn’t grow on trees.”</p><p>“Like fuck it doesn’t! You could just alchemize a new one.”</p><p>“I want the authentic god tier cape, dude. Accept no substitutes.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Once and Future Dave

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic written for the HSWC bonus round one. Original prompt and fic in the thread are [here.](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/3493.html?thread=596901#cmt596901)

"This is a disaster," said Dave.

This rooftop on the meteor was deserted at the moment, at the least. Dave couldn't stand the idea of somebody besides Karkat actually seeing his cape in tatters like it was right now. Just how it had gotten so utterly wrecked was something Dave wasn't quite sure about. They had been in a dream bubble, that much Dave knew. It was one of Karkat's, which normally Dave tried to avoid.

"I warned you not to bother my lusus." Karkat's voice was mild. For Karkat, at least.

"I didn't." Dave twisted his mouth. He was holding the remains of his cape in front of him. The tatters were still held together just barely at the top. He could hang it in a doorway and pretend it was a partitition to an adults-only section of a video store. The thought was not as funny as it might have been normally.

"I didn't do shit to your stupid crabdad," he said. "It was completely unprovoked."

Karkat shrugged. It was a good shrug. If Dave hadn't been so mad at him, he might have been impressed with it. "You're upset, huh."

"I'm not," snapped Dave. "Go away."

Normally Karkat would listen to this and haul ass when Dave said to go away in that tone of voice, but not today. Today Karkat was being a shit, which was extra annoying to Dave because he was half-convinced that Karkat had learned that trick from him. "You're upset," said Karkat. "I guess it's not just your stupid shades that you're so fucking protective of, it's your cape too. Your cape is like a security snuggleplane."

If anything could make an already sour mood dive directly into the shitter, it was the word 'snuggleplane.' Dave clenched his fists. "I don't know what the fuck a snuggleplane is--"

"Yes you do, you used them to build that fort with Terezi. Remember?"

"Shut up. I don't care. You're gonna get me a new one, alright?"

"A new snuggleplane?"

A look of pain came over Dave's face. This was by no means the first time Karkat had annoyed him so badly, but it was the first time Karkat himself seemed to be getting pleasure out of the fact. This was not the natural order of things. This shit had to be righted. "Yeah. A new snuggleplane. Come on."

"Whoa, what the fuck? Strider, you can't push me off the side of the meteor, you pissy fuck!"

"I'm not," said Dave, a level tone now in his voice. Karkat was probably right; past encounters had shown that strength-wise, he and Karkat weren't far from evenly-matched. "We're going back into a bubble, relax."

"What?" Karkat squawked. "What bubble?" 

"That one," said Dave, pointing off to one far, far in the distance that was just barely visible to the naked eye. 

Theoretically, Dave had known for awhile that he could navigate the Furthest Ring by subtly (very subtly) manipulating the flow of time. Aradia had tried to explain the specifics to him and while he hadn't seemed that interested, he had listened to what she had to say and had understood the basic principle of it. He hadn't actually tried it out because why fuck around in an existential mindfuck like the spacetime of the Furthest Ring when there were snugglepl-- blanket forts to build? But this was for a good reason, and if he ended up fucking up and propelling him and Karkat into a Horrorterror's monstrous cloaca, well, at least he and Karkat could be assured it was for a noble effort.

It was hard to convince Karkat of this in mid-air, not that Dave intended to try. He was holding onto Karkat by the wrist-- fuck if they were going to *hold hands* for this little field trip-- and Karkat was flailing around like a sock on a laundry line, shouting, which, strangely, was music to Dave's ears. _This_ was the natural order of things, and Dave had just had to take a detour into utter nothingness to achieve it. Piece of cake.

"Where. The. FUCK. Are we going, Strider?" shouted Karkat, and the only reason Dave responded this time was because Karkat had grabbed the fabric on the shoulder of Dave's god tier shirt and pulled himself up to shout directly in Dave's ear.

" _Jesus_. Hands off the merchandise, please," said Dave, but he was no longer really bothered. Karkat was fine hanging off the sleeve of his T-shirt. It was all good. "We're going to visit another bubble. Weren't you just complaining that there ain't shit to do around the meteor?"

" _HOW DOES THIS SOLVE THAT PROBLEM?_ " screamed Karkat, and Dave winced. Part of him regretted bringing Karkat along, despite everything.

**== > **

It took a bit longer than Dave had anticipated. "Longer" technically should have been encased in derisive quote marks because obviously any measure of time was a construct only observable from a personal frame of blah blah blah. Dave had decided from the outset that since he was a certified, deified fucker-upper of the timeflow, he didn't have to throw out all that equivocating jargon.

What he had also decided was that he never wanted to be in close quarters with Karkat again. Karkat had settled down from his furor and now was complaining snidely and morosely, like a man who'd woken up on the wrong side of the bed the morning of his execution. 

Despite his (self-professed) skill with rhymes, Dave had always had a hard time describing what the basic mechanics of time travel were. Even in the Medium it had been hard to picture; at first he'd conceptualized the stable time loops as those interlocking paper chains, or key rings with multiple intersecting loops, but even that had seemed simplistic after awhile, and of course that was before he ended up in the Furthest Ring, which took a big, stinky tentacle-shit on all the coping mechanisms his tiny human thinkpan had used to try to understand the nature of the fourth dimension.

Normally Dave had next to no interest in thinking too hard about this kind of shit. Hell, that was part of the secret, _not_ overthinking it, so it was pretty telling that he was pondering this crap instead of listening to Karkat.

"We're going to die out here," he was saying. "We'll just wander around for an eternity, getting older but never moving one fucking millimeter. We'll get older and older and I'll have to witness your sad and flabby human middle-age, assuming we don't starve to death or die of exposure--"

"Would you shut up?" Dave said, too snappishly. "I know where we're going."

"How do you know?" 

"Because we've been there before."

"Right. And just how are we going to get home? Or was this an elaborate and needlessly torturous suicide plan?"

"No. I can get us home. The meteor leaves a trail after it. It's easy as shit to find."

Karkat chewed the inside of his cheek but said no more.

Finally, they reached the bubble Dave had been seeking. It had been several months at least since the meteor had passed through it, but Dave still remembered it well. Each dreambubble tended to look different, have a slightly different tone or color based on no rhyme or reason Dave could detect. 

As they descended, Karkat looked suspicious already, but he didn't fully realize Dave's intentions until they had passed through the skin of the dream and were sailing together over a patchwork quilt of differing landscapes. In the distance, just over the horizon, the handle of a giant teapot was visible, and its mass swelled as they drew closer. For the first time since they had left the meteor, Karkat started fighting to get away.

"Oh fuck no. Oh HELL no. Let me go--"

"Jesus, calm the fuck down," said Dave. Karkat had tried to let go and had nearly fallen, but Dave caught him at the last second. So it was with some difficulty, carrying Karkat by the scruff of the neck, that Dave entered the Land of Little Cubes and Tea. He landed with a crunch on the sugar-sand, and let go of his passenger, who went sprawling onto the ground.

"Fuck you," said Karkat, dusting the sugar off his knees and standing up. "Fuck you so hard, and so long."

"I need a new cape, bro. That shit doesn't grow on trees."

"Like fuck it doesn't! You could just alchemize a new one."

"I want the authentic god tier cape, dude. Accept no substitutes."

"Karkat?" called out a voice before he could respond. They turned around to see a troll girl in Derse pajamas, who was, if possible, even more overjoyed to see them the second time than she had been the first. Karkat folded his arms and said next to nothing to her, but Dave graciously accepted her hospitality this time around.

"Do you want to stay for teatime?" she asked him.

"Shit, is it teatime already?" asked Dave.

She laughed. "Duh! It's always teatime." 

Karkat groaned but Dave talked over him. "We're actually lookin' for your buddy. He around?"

Nepeta nodded. "He'll be here soon! He'll have tea with us. I know he'll be excited to talk to you!" She grinned widely at the Karkat Dave had brought with him, and Dave wondered if she was fucking with him or if having those dead eyes meant she saw everything through rose-colored glasses. In any case, she led them to a cave that was carved into the mountainside, in the very crystal itself. There were chairs, a table, and a steaming smaller version of the giant teapots that were standard features of the landscape. Nepeta left them there to go get the snack tray ready, so Dave leaned over to Karkat to speak softly.

"Alright. You know what to do when he gets here, right?"

Karkat ignored him. "If you talk to me again, I'm going to break your kneecaps."

"Karkat. Buddy. It's up to you. You gotta get him to give up the cape."

"Why can't you do it?"

"Because it's your fault mine got ruined in the first place."

"Oh, come on--"

"Dude, if you don't want to do it, good luck getting back to the meteor. Maybe Oogoloth the Many-Tentacled will give you a ride home."

Karkat seemed within moments of relenting when the other Karkat walked in, and it was only Nepeta's return with the tea tray that seemed to keep him from running the other way.

"Oh for fuck's sake," said Capekat. "Why'd you let these chucklefucks back in here?"

Nepeta set down the tray and frowned. "They're guests! You're supposed to be nice to them."

Dave picked at the tray of hors d'oeuvre Nepeta had prepared. He didn't know what they taught you about tea parties on Alternia, but they apparently involved a lot of very rare cuts of meat very rustically prepared. He picked up a small rib and watched what the Karkats would do.

The god tier Karkat was shrimpier than alpha Karkat, and had a strange dry sheen to his skin. Trolls didn't seem to get acne (not even Gamzee,) but their skin took on a crackled look that alpha Karkat had thankfully grown out of, or at least had treated with unprescribed doses of Trollactiv. The two Karkats glowered at each other, like dogs trying to protect their territory or some shit, as Nepeta made conversation between bites of unidentifiable, venison-like meat.

"Do you like it?" she asked him.

"Totally," said Dave, deciding not to ask what the hell it was in the interests of diplomacy.

"I killed it myself!" she said. "Karkat helped."

The god tier Karkat looked embarrassed, as if his crabdad had just dragged another musclebeast leaving through the door of his hive.

"So what brings you two here again? Are the other human and Kanaya and Terezi with you?"

"Nope," said Dave. "Just us. Karkat wanted to ask Karkat something."

"What?" asked the god tier Karkat, looking up suddenly. "That's stupid. What do you want?"

Dave's Karkat's face got dark; when his face got darker you could see the acne scars that the other Karkat was still bravely fighting off with dangerous over the counter acids. "Uh--"

"Never mind. I don't want to help out a stupid fuck like you." God tier Vantas was somehow moodier than Dave's Karkat, who was almost patient and kind in comparison.

"You're calling _me_ a stupid fuck? When you're the one wearing a snuggleplane on your back like a fucking wriggler playing in the ablution block?" original recipe Karkat snapped back. Ok, maybe not that patient.

Extra crispy Karkat was about to say something when he was interrupted by a loud clang.

"What did I say! About fighting with yourself at the table?" said Nepeta, who had set down the plate of meat suddenly. "Stop being purrposely rude and listen to yourself!"

"God, this conversation is so dumb," said her Karkat, and put his head in his hands.

Nepeta turned to the other Karkat. "Now, what did you want to ask?" 

Dave picked up his cup of tea and sipped it thoughtfully. "Yeah, Karkat. What's up?"

"Uh." Karkat looked at the deified version of himself, who was scowling, with his splotchy complexion and that damn cape. Both Dave and Karkat were staring at it, Dave in envy and Karkat with disgust, which made it all the more surprising when he jumped the other Karkat, tearing at the troll's cape with a ferocity that should have surprised Dave but didn't.

Nepeta gasped and dropped the plate again as Dave watched the fight go down. God tier Karkat was, well, god tier, so presumably he had that going for him, but Karkat was slightly taller and seemed to be working out all his extra aggression about this trip into this fight. Dave thought it would be close, or at least he did until he saw Nepeta leaping over to separate the two of them. While Dave didn't have his cape at the moment, he was still a knight, and he figured he could at least help his own Karkat out. He grabbed Nepeta by the back of the pajamas and dragged her towards him. 

She came back easily enough, but what Dave did not expect was for 98 pounds of enraged troll to come pouncing on him, hissing and wielding a pair of blue claws that seemed to have come out of nowhere. Dave didn't even have time to draw his sword before she had taken him down. Dave's Karkat was on his own now.

Ironically, it was Dave's lack of cape that saved his ass. He rolled over, pushing Nepeta off of his chest with a sudden jerk. Her claws flashed down behind him, but they were buried uselessly in the sugar behind his back. If he had been wearing his cape she would have nailed him to the floor with that move easily.

Finally back on his feet, Dave did not feel like sticking around to see how the fight ended. He took off running out of the cave, but he could hear footsteps crunching behind him; it was Karkat. His Karkat, thankfully.

The two of them didn't stop running until they had left Nepeta's memory and were in a deserted alcove on Derse. While Dave was leaning onto his knees to catch his breath, Karkat threw something dark yet subtly familiar over his head.

"There," he said, panting. "There's your fucking cape, asshole. Don't say I never did anything for you."

Dave stood up straight and held up the piece of fabric. It was dark brown, but otherwise identical to his own destroyed one. What was unfortunate was that the rest of Dave's clothes were now looking pretty rough as well. His shirt was torn and he was bleeding in several places where Nepeta had scratched him, and he was pretty sure that some of the sugar that had been on the ground had ended up in his underwear, though he had no idea how. 

Karkat, of course, didn't fail to notice this. He was smiling again, that same smile that had pissed Dave off so badly back on the meteor. "So can we go now please?"

"Just give me a sec," mumbled Dave.

"Oh my _god_ , what are you doing?"

"Just readjusting," said Dave, but his face felt hot. He hadn't counted how annoying having sugar in your pants was. It was worse than sand.

"You're not waiting for me to go back and get the rest of your outfit from him, are you?" asked Karkat.

"Why," said Dave, who was still itchy but focused enough now that he could at least talk, "didn't you just _ask_ him for the cape?"

"Because I know me too well. I would never willingly give myself something if I asked for it. That bastard would have never given me the cape and that's one thing I do respect him for."

Dave groaned. "Let's go home. Just...just stop talking. I want to go home."

"No, wait."

"What the fuck--"

Quickly, more quickly than Dave had expected because he was still dazed, Karkat grabbed the cape again and pulled the hood part of it over Dave's head. The cowl clung tightly to his hair, and Dave knocked his glasses askew in his hurry to push it off. As much as he liked the cape (in an ironic sort of way), he really did hate the fucking hood.

Perhaps even more surprising than that, Karkat had grabbed his hand, and not nicely. He squeezed, and laced their fingers together so there was no letting go without a fight that Dave was not really prepared for at the moment. "Now we're ready to go."

Dave could have thought of a dozen different retorts for that, but with Karkat holding his hand viciously (only Karkat could hold hands viciously, was a vague thought that floated through Dave's head) all Dave could do was take them up, away from the memory and back to the meteor. 

Karkat didn't loosen his clamped grip on Dave's hand, and he smiled the whole way home. As far as nonlinear voyages through the uncertain fabric of spacetime went, it was one of the worst of Dave's life.


End file.
